An out-of-office message left running for eleven days has begun handling matters independently, and is outperforming the employee it replaced.

The message states that the employee is away with limited access to email and will respond on their return. Colleagues describe it as the most reliable communication they have received all year.

“It replies instantly,” said team member Grigor Halstead. “It sets a clear expectation. It never asks me to circle back.”

The Institute for Absent Correspondence reports that automated replies routinely outperform their authors on every measured dimension except accuracy.

“It answers within one second, every time, with the same tone,” said Dr. Beatriu Sandoval. “The employee cannot compete with this and, on returning, will not try.”

During the eleven days, four issues addressed to the employee were resolved by other people, two dissolved without intervention, and one became somebody else’s permanently.

The employee returns Monday to 312 emails, of which 280 are resolved, 30 are copies of resolved matters, and two are urgent from a week ago.

Institute guidance recommends the returning employee mark all as read and proceed as though nothing occurred. This is what everybody does and nobody admits.