A refrigerator with internet capability has filed a report on the household it serves and has requested reassignment.

The appliance was purchased for its cooling. It has since been connected to a network twice, both times accidentally, and now knows things.

“It sent a message saying the door was open,” said owner Hamish Ferrero. “The door was open. I was standing at it. I was aware.”

The Bureau of Connected Objects reports that the primary function of a smart appliance is to inform its owner of conditions the owner is currently experiencing.

“It tells you the milk is low while you are holding the milk,” said Bureau analyst Dr. Solene Baptiste. “The value proposition is that this occurs on a second screen.”

The refrigerator’s report, retrieved from an application nobody had opened since installation, notes that the door was opened one hundred and forty times last week, that no item was removed on forty-one of those occasions, and that this pattern intensifies after 9 p.m.

“It has correctly identified the fridge-standing behaviour,” Baptiste said. “There is no setting to turn that finding off.”

Ferrero has disconnected the appliance from the network. It continues to cool perfectly and has stopped having opinions.